Just Livin' the Dream

Anne Taintor Graphic

A few months ago I was talking to a friend-of-a-friend at a party. Amid the usual chit chat, she asked, "So, are you loving being a stay at home wife?" I shrugged and said, "Yeah, I guess..." She then got a wistful look and declared, "You're living the dream!" Wow, news to me. It had never occurred to me that I was living the fulfillment of someone else's dream. In fact, I am mostly embarrassed by my domesticity! I know that not everyone is fortunate enough to be in my position. I try not to take it for granted. I love having my own time, always having a clean house and doing what I want, when I want, but there have been a few self-induced snags in my dream-life... I'm just not very productive.

We have been in Utah for nine months (a human being could have been created in this time!) and what have I accomplished? I've read a lot of crappy books, played a lot of stupid video games, watched a lot of movies and a ton of mindless TV shows. Living the dream? Maybe a teenage boy's dream (minus the girls). Really I do more than that, but enough of my time has been wasted on crap. I need to get my life.

Okay, last night I woke up at 2am with a whole bunch of thoughts running through my head. I got a pen and paper, wrote them down and went back to sleep. This morning I reread my scribbled words. Man, I am full of drama at two in the morning! I don't know why this seemed so important, I sound stupid and disgruntled. Of course, I cannot be held accountable for my word choice when I am half asleep. This is what I wrote down (not that anybody cares. Who wants to read about somebody else's angst, right? But I'm going to tell you anyway):

My mind is too oversaturated with outside sources to be home to the genesis of creativity. How can I build on the inspiration of someone else's life work, opus, or creation if I don't give myself room to breath? If I don't allow ideas to germinate or my mind to ruminate on external stimuli? 

Things I miss (and am surprised I do):

1. Going to work
2. Running
3. Attending lectures in a University setting
4. Writing papers
5. Cooking large meals for friends - cooking for two kinda stinks sometimes
6. Spending too much money on clothes 
7. Structure and routine

I find I am less spontaneous, less adventurous, less inspired. Weird how having less unstructured free time makes me more productive in my off time. It's like a scale. On one side I have responsibility, on the other, productivity and spontaneity. They work in tandem and have to balance. 

Why don't I doodle on everything*? Why don't I vent in a journal or write poems that no one will ever see? I used to. Why can't I go to bed at a normal time? Why do I feel tired and sluggish so often? My energy reserves are often spent, but I'm not doing anything to create a deficit. What happened to me?

This is no dream. I need to wake up. My subconscious is obviously trying to tell me something (especially if it wakes me up at night). Time to evaluate my motivation and get some structure.

Just to clarify, I'm not depressed. I don't hate my life. I have it so good right now. I just need to utilize my most precious asset (no, not those assets... where is your mind?), my time.

*Andrew laughed at me when he saw that right next to where I'd written "Why don't I doodle", there was a drawing of a scale and some other random doodles... so I guess this is kind of a lie. I just don't sketch as much as I used to.